This Little Piggy Exercises

Once you have a baby, you will stop worrying about Murphy’s Law, because a whole new set of rules will apply.  Even the hapless Murphy would admit that nothing can compare to the true nature of Mommy’s Law.  

According to Mommy’s Law, if you are home alone and holding a crying baby, you will inevitably drop something.  A few useful exercises will help get you in shape for these harrowing moments.  It is time to learn how to maximize your appendages. 

The Toe Toss is a simple exercise that does not even require stretching.  In fact, you will not even break a sweat.

  1. Take a deep breath and relax.
  2. While balancing on one leg, carefully use the other foot to SCOOP up the item onto the base of your toes.
  3. Gently TOSS the item up onto a couch, table, or chair.
  4. Pick up the item with your free hand.
  5. Do a victory dance to celebrate your accomplishment.  (No one is home.)

The next move is a more complicated version of The Toe Toss.  Only move on when you have mastered the above exercise.

Sometimes you will not even have time for The Toe Toss.  In an emergency, you need a move with faster, more efficient results.  Let’s say you are running late to an important meeting, and you drop something on your way out the door while holding your baby.  Now you need The Reverse Toe Toss with a Twist.

  1. Skip the deep breathing.  (There will be plenty of time for breathing later.)
  2. While balancing on one leg, carefully use the other foot to SCOOP up the item onto the base of your toes.
  3. Lift that leg off the ground and TOSS the item UP and BACK towards you in one swift motion.
  4. Catch the item with your free hand. 
  5. Do a victory dance while running to your car

If you miss, you will need to start over again.  This move takes PRACTICE, but you will not believe how many times it will come in handy.  Once you become an expert, you can use it to entertain at parties.  Imagine the look of awe inspired when you do a Reverse Toe Toss with a Twist to recapture a stray Shrimp Ball.

Some dropped items, like a pen, are too awkward to balance and toss.  In this difficult situation, you must do The Claw and grasp the item between your big toe and second toe.  Carefully lift and bend your leg until you can grab the item.  I recommend watching My Left Foot, starring Daniel Day-Lewis, before you try to master this one.  It would be helpful if they would release the sequel, My Big Toe

Until the release of a toe workout video, you can use this as your guide.  With these simple exercises, you can get your little piggy who went to market and the little piggy who stayed home to cooperate and be your friends. Just remember to pace your breathing.  And watch out for Mommy’s Law.

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