Starting With The Mom In The Mirror

If you are a mom, I challenge you to stop by the full-length mirror and take a good long look at who is staring back at you.  Do you recognize her?  Sometimes moms get so focused on child care that they neglect themselves and form bad habit patterns. Since most moms cannot afford a personal stylist, makeup artist, and hairdresser, they need a wake-up call. Observe Witness Number One before a classroom of Mommy Trainees: 

She is a mother of four young children, and judging from the dark shadows under her eyes, she hasn’t slept in weeks.  Stray curlers cling to her gnarly hair, and her bathrobe is ratty and stained.  Crushed Cheerios fall haphazardly out of her pockets and onto the floor as she slinks to the front of the room.  The mother trainees sit up in their chairs, gagging as the scent of mashed peas and vomit fills the air.  Full of wonder and horror, their mouths are now gaping holes, like a dozen baby birds waiting for someone to drop the worm. They lean forward, straining to hear the hoarse sound of the witness starting to speak. 

“I’ve read the parenting books,” she wheezes.  The worm has dropped.  “And look at me!  LOOK AT ME!”  The crescendo of her voice ends in a shriek. “Do you want to look like THIS?!” More Cheerios fall to the floor as she dramatically opens her bathrobe, revealing a gray, baggy sweat suit covered in dried pools of spit up.  A collective gasp steals through the crowd. 

“Send in the next witness,” the Training Agent whispers into her wrist piece.  All eyes shift to the door as it squeaks open to reveal… you. 

Fill in your own description here.  Just to be safe, let’s review some important mommy style rules. 

MOMMY JEANS

You’re not a kangaroo, so why wear jeans with a pouch?   If there is one area you do NOT want to emphasize after giving birth, it is the belly. High-waist jeans hide the tummy in the same way that a shell hides a turtle.  He may think he’s clever by hiding inside, but everyone on the outside is left staring at a huge, unmistakable bump.  Mommy Jeans actually highlight a big belly, which everyone assumes you did not get from beer.  The good news is that stylish low-rise jeans are far more flattering (and comfortable) on a new mom, as long as she matches them with an appropriate top (below). 

TIGHT PANTS & POTATO SACKS

Another bodily region not to accentuate is the caboose (rear end and thighs). Tight pants leave nothing to the imagination, and in some cases ignorance is bliss.  We can all learn a lesson from a ridiculous fashion trend:  messages displayed on the butt.  For some reason, girls walk around with words on the seat of their pants, assuming that everyone will then be riveted by their rears.  Some of the more common ones include “Hottie,” “Babe,” “Dancer,” and “Gymnast,” all titles for the type of girl who would presumably have a tight butt.  Have you noticed that they don’t make ones that say “New Mommy”?  Hmmm…

Even though you should avoid tight clothing, that doesn’t mean you should look like you just entered a potato sack race.  Baggy, formless clothes are unattractive, too.  Learn to accentuate your curves without suffocating them.  It’s okay to look feminine.  Just because you are now a mother, you don’t have to stop being a woman. 

BELLY SHIRTS

The purpose of a belly shirt is to show off tight, six-pack abdominals.  Unfortunately, most women reason that a “belly” shirt should do just that – show off a belly.  This attitude of “It’s a free country; let it all hang out” has gotten out of control.  We have been left with a new definition of irony:  Women who could wear belly shirts find them distasteful, and women who should be wearing iron girdles are wearing belly shirts.   

The fashionable length of shirts has finally gone the other way.  You can wear your low-rise jeans with a long shirt that covers everything when you bend over.  At the top, this shirt should also cover most of your new mommy cleavage.  It may seem like fun to flaunt it, but you would make those around you uncomfortable.  As a general rule, keep the produce in the bins.

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